Please Stop Telling Your Young Children to Say Sorry

Why Teaching Empathy Is More Powerful Than Teaching Apologies

I know this sounds shocking—maybe even offensive to some parenting ears—but please stop telling your young children to say sorry. Not because they shouldn’t learn accountability. Not because apologies aren’t important. But because when we force our children to apologize before they even understand what they’re doing, we are missing the moment to teach them something so much more powerful: empathy.

Let me explain.

The Problem with Forced Apologies

When a child hits, pushes, or snatches, the instinctive adult response is:
“That’s not nice. Say sorry!”

And what does the child do?
Parrots back: “Sorry.”

Not because they understand what they did.
Not because they regret it.
But because they’ve learned that saying that word satisfies the adult and ends the uncomfortable moment.

It’s performance over reflection.
It’s behavior compliance over emotional connection.

And that’s the missed opportunity.

Apology ≠ Empathy

Of course, the goal isn’t to raise unapologetic children. Quite the opposite.

The goal is to raise children who understand their actions, connect with the emotional impact on others, and who choose to make amends because they care—not just because we tell them to.

That’s the root of empathy. And empathy, I believe, is the real superpower of life.

Because let’s be honest:
Success in life isn’t built on grades, achievements, or accolades.
It’s built on relationships—personal, professional, romantic, communal.
And relationships thrive on emotional intelligence.
And emotional intelligence begins with empathy.

From Awareness → Consciousness → Choice

So what should we do instead?

Let’s take a common example:

Your toddler pushes their sibling. The sibling cries. Instead of saying, “Say sorry,” try this:

• Step 1: Awareness
  “What just happened?”
  “Why do you think your brother is crying?”
  
• Step 2: Consciousness
  “How do you think he feels right now?”
  “Have you ever felt that way?”
  “What made you push him?”
  
• Step 3: Choice
  “What do you think we can do to make this better?”
  “Is there something kind you can say or do for your brother now?”
  

The goal here isn’t to shame.
It’s to invite thinking.
To build emotional connection.
To help them want to repair, rather than feel forced to.

And yes—this takes more time.
It takes more patience.
It takes a regulated adult who is also emotionally aware.

But the long-term impact is extraordinary.

The Power of “Repair” Instead of “Shame”

When children learn how to repair—rather than how to just say sorry—they start to:

• Understand cause and effect emotionally
  
• Build internal motivation rather than external compliance
  
• Develop the building blocks of empathy
  
• Feel safe, not shamed
  
• Learn how to own their behavior and grow from it
  

And here’s the best part: eventually, they will say sorry. But it will be their own words, in their own time, and it will mean something.

Parenting Isn’t About the Quick Fix

Yes, you’ll feel pressure at the park when your child throws sand.
Yes, other parents might expect an immediate "Sorry."
Yes, it’s easier to just say, “Say sorry!”

But parenting with emotional intelligence means taking the long view.
It means raising children who can think, feel, reflect, and connect.
It means helping them learn that being human is messy—and that understanding our emotions is how we make sense of the mess.

So, next time your toddler does something “naughty,”
Pause. Breathe. Connect.
And please… don’t make them say sorry.

Make them feel seen. Make them feel safe. Help them understand.
That is how we raise emotionally intelligent humans.